Email Campaign Archive

Protecting Yourself Against Out-Of-Control Parents

-By Tom Houser

A Question for Coach Houser:

I have accepted my first head coaching job for
next fall. I've been the assistant volleyball
coach at the school for 3 years and have witnessed
parents chewing up coaches, not only in volleyball
but in other sports as well. The principal is new,
and is trying to fix the problem, but I guess it's
the school's culture. Almost anytime a parent is
upset or disagrees with a coach, it's right to the
principal or superintendent. I also can't count
the number of times I've seen parents confront
coaches in public, both after practices and after
matches. And as a first time head coach, I'm
expecting it to be even worse on me. I've even
considered changing my mind about accepting the
job. Any advice? 

Coach Houser's Reply:

I have a lot to say that will help you and all
coaches in your situation. 

Part I: Get Everyone On Board.

Speak to the principal, A.D. and the school
superintendent (the Big Three!) about the chain of
command. See if you can get them to agree to tell
the parents, "Have you talked to the coach yet?"
Heck, everyone expects the parents to run to the
Big Three if their child's coach doesn't follow
the school's policies or if the coach breaks the
law. But in all other cases, maybe the big three
will refer the parents back to you. 

Part II: Have Your Team Rules OK'd.

Show the Big Three your team rules. Have the four
of you come to a consensus about what you may
require of your in-season athletes:  (a) number of
hours of practice per week (b) girls who want to
skip to play other sports, etc. Do you predict any
other specific problems this coming fall? The four
of you should hash them out also. 

Part III: Don't Compromise Your Principles

Before I go on, I'm not saying that you should
compromise anything you strongly believe in. I can
imagine a superintendent, who has never coached a
team before, saying, "I think you can be flexible
if a girl wants to play on an AAU team, right?"
And, if you disagree, you must say, "No. In-season
school sports come before out of season travel
sports." You could also tell the superintendent,
"I'll do whatever the girl's basketball coach
does. If she will let my girls off to attend
travel volleyball practices and tournament in the
winter, then I'll let my girls off in the fall."
That may fix that compromising session! 

When I was the coach at Roanoke Catholic, the
girls wanted to leave school on Friday with their
parents so that they could watch their big
brothers play football. The parents went over my
head when I said such a miss would be an unexcused
absence. I stood my ground. I thought I knew what
was best for my team more than anyone else. (Also,
I actually did ask the football coach if he would
excuse a boy to see his sister's away volleyball
game. He said, "No.") 

Part IV: Then Have That Pre-season Parents Meeting! 

About a month before tryouts, have a parents
meeting where you tell the parents straight up
your team rules and what you expect. Give them a
copy of your team rules. I personally ask that
parents and players sign my team rules and keep a
copy of them. Have consequences for breaking team
rules there also for inspection. Indicate that
these have been OK'd by the Big Three. Invite the
Big Three to that meeting. 

Your team rules will treat the starters and
substitutes alike. You will give no breaks to the
starters. Yes, you are willing to do without
certain players, or have certain players run, so
that order is maintained on the team. 

If a parent can't attend, send them a copy of
everything that was said and agreed upon. 

Part V: At No Time Do you Back Off Your Team Rules 

Well, I guess you can if someone actually brings
up something in your rules that's illegal, unfair,
unethical, etc., I guess you may want to
reconsider some rule or some consequence. I think
I've done that once in 22 years. You will NOT back
off, however, just because Mr. BigShot or Mrs.
MomOfTheYear is upset with how you are enforcing
the rules that they agreed upon! 

Part VI: We Expect To Be A Great Big Team!

The ideal situation is parents, players and
coaches working together to meet the team goals.
However, when push comes to shove, a coach can push
just as hard as the parents. 

Parents have no more authority to tell you how to
do your job with your team than a coach has
authority telling a parent how to do their job as
a mom or dad. I've even told parents, "I'm not
comfortable telling you who your child should
date, how late they should be allowed to stay out,
and what grades they should make. I would think
you would be just as uncomfortable telling me how
to coach the team." 

I imagine some parent may respond, "Well, I've
coached before". Then I could respond, "And I've
raised two children too. I'm still not planning on
helping you raise yours." 

Part VII: Never Lose Your Cool!

I've said this in several articles in the past few
years. Don't lower yourself to the parents' level.
Regardless of what they say, stay professional.
Stay cool. If a parent has something rude to say,
you may refer to your policies that were
pre-approved by the Big Three, then walk away. Or
you may just walk away without speaking a word. 

Part VIII: And Never Have A Confrontation In Public. NEVER! 

And this will be stated in the parents meeting:
There will be no public confrontations. Period. In
public, the parents and coaching staff will either
be smiling, chatting; or, they will not be
communicating at all. If I were you, I'd put the
following statement in next fall's team rules
right now: "If I'm ever confronted in an angry,
upset manner in public about any team issue by a
parent or other adult, I will walk away." If an
outraged parent then grabs your arm, gets loud or
begins cursing, go straight to the principal the
next day, report the situation and ask them handle
it. If you don't get satisfaction, go to the
superintendent. If this situation is ignored, it
will continue. That's probably how this all
started 10 or 20 years ago. 

Part IX: Expect The Big Three To Have Your Back

If they approve your rules and consequences, then
don't back you, it's probably time to find another
job. And you can respectfully tell them that. I
would. Then, if they get snippy with you, you may
want to say, "I came to you in July to try to fix
a problem. The four of us agreed with what I took
to the parents. Now you're saying you can't
support me. These team rules were good enough in
July. Why are they not good enough in October? I
cannot coach here next year if you guys tell me
that you'll support me, then you don't." 

If more coaches would have the courage to take
this stance, the culture would change pretty
quickly; or, the school would have no coaches. 

You have to decide: Do you want to coach at that
school so badly that you'll take the abuse from
the parents and the "knife in the back" from the
big three? 

At this point, I guess the parents have so much
influence at the school that the Big Three don't
want to rock the boat. However, the four of you
can change the situation at the school. There's no
doubt in my mind. You four have been given all the
power you need by the school board. 

Personally, I will not work in an environment that
you've described. I refuse. I don't need to coach
that badly! 

-Tom Houser
Head Coach, 2007 Roanoke Juniors 15's Open
Director, STAR Volleyball Camps
Author, "I Can't Wait" Drill Collection and Ebooks
www.coachhouser.com