Your Yes I Can Gold Gift Message
January 4th, 2008 at 6:28 amCoaches: How to Handle the
Toughest Moments
-By Tom Houser
A Question for Coach Houser:
I’m 43 years old, the assistant varsity coach, our
season ended over a month ago, and I’m still
seething. Our team just went 23-4 (best ever!),
beat the reigning state champs three times and
advanced to the state tournament (1st time ever!).
We have great kids, almost all of them play
travel, and they give us their heart and soul.
However, the head coach is never pleased or proud.
Well, we were eliminated in the first round of
states and, sure, we were all disappointed. But
the head coach spent 15 minutes yelling,
criticizing and even mimicking the girls, telling
them they are too soft and didn't want to win.
I'm so sick of this person I could scream! But I
stick with it because I love this school and the
kids are awesome!! One of our MH’s is only an 8th
grader and has been our go-to player all year;
yet, because she made a lot of mistakes in that
critical match, Coach reamed her out in front of
her teammates. The coach left the gym through a
back door that night; yet the girls walked out of
the locker room into the gym and cried on their
parents’ shoulders. The icing? She didn’t attend
school the next day. The parents are so upset,
some of them boycotted last week’s banquet. We
have a tremendous opportunity here to achieve the
incredible, but the coach is messing it up. What’s
up with this person?
Coach Houser's Reply:
A few years ago, a sports announcer said, “This
team’s character will be tested tonight as they
try to win their 9th straight game.” He was 100%
backwards. Our character is not tested when things
are going well. It’s tested when we experience a
trying situation. In the 2000 season, my high
school team -- which had never lost more than 5
matches in any season since 1985 -- started 0-9.
That was trying. In 2001, my inner-city JV team
nearly mutinied on me. That was trying. Losing in the
first round of the state tournament, when you’re
team is giving you all they have is also a trying
situation. However, none of these situations are
enough for us -- who think of ourselves as
composed, caring coaches -- to lose our composure
and say/do things we regret.
People will not judge us as much by the humility
we show after a win, but more by the maturity we
show during/after a tough loss.
The Kids:
How many of us coaches have ever won a match
without our players? Right. Then why do some of us
treat our meal ticket like crap? I’ve won nearly
300 high school matches (I’d be at 400 if I hadn’t
given up coaching when I got married.) I owe my
kids. They don’t owe me. I worked them hard, I
expected great things from them, they conditioned,
they ran, they got bruises. All the while, I gave
them directions on what to do next.
Coaches, “Your actions speak louder than your
words.” Do you like your players? Are you fond of
them? Then treat them in ways that reflect those
feelings. However, if you tell them you like them,
but then scream at them (like the email above),
then your players will realize that your affection
for them is ephemeral. They will realize that when
they disappoint you, that you will go off on them.
Then they won’t believe you, because you’ve
already shown them you can’t be trusted.
Don’t get me wrong. There are times when I am
stern. But it’s to help the kid, it’s to help the
team, it’s to motivate us all or to get someone’s
attention. I hope it’s not because I have no
self-control.
If You Can’t Say It To The Parents…………
Sure, there are some things you don’t want the
parents to hear. However, your players will tell
the parents 99% of the crazy stuff. Guaranteed. My
stepdaughter is a sophomore on a college team, and
she only tells us the stuff that makes me think,
“What the heck is going on?”
The parents are part of the team also. I know they
don’t have a lot of day-to-day power; however,
they will decide if their children play tomorrow,
if their children play next year, if their
children play club, if their children attend
summer camps, etc. Go ahead. Abuse the children.
One day, when your team stops winning (which is
probably the only way the coach in the email is
keeping her job!), the parents treat you like you
deserve and will forbid their children from
playing volleyball. Then who will you blame? Who
will you holler at?
The Day After:
The coach didn’t come to school? Are you kidding
me? Regardless of how upset, tired, sick,
sleep-deprived I am, I have ALWAYS come to school
(and always will!) the day after a big loss. I’ve
coached when I had laryngitis. If my team lost,
I’m in school the next day. My kids will see me
there, I won't be hiding, sulking or bitter. I'm
not ashamed of my team, I'm not whupped by the
season or by the opponents, and I'm not
embarrassed to talk about it. Some people who are
jealous may tease me: “So you guys won’t be
conference champs this year, huh?” I’ve also heard
kids say, “Guess the basketball players will be
starting their season on time this year!”
Whatever. People can say what they wish; but, I'm
a part of the team, and it's all of us together.
I won't ask my players to go to school to do
their "job," but then not do mine. That would be
wrong! Be a leader, set an example. Your kids
can’t run the football without an offensive line.
In volleyball, that offensive line is YOU and your
staff!!!
Regretting What We Say:
One of my friends was talking to me in the past
week about her splintered family and how she
wished they could get together during the
Christmas holidays.
I told her that when I used to try to squeeze
gossip from my parents, they would tell me, “There
are two things you don’t disrupt: Your church and
your family.” So I told my friend to keep
encouraging, keep the lines of communication open,
keep inviting. “You can’t make adults be who you
want them to be. But you can always invite them to
be!”
I will add one more rule to what my parents taught
me: “Don’t ever disrupt your team.” So, coaches,
don’t say things that you will regret. Don’t ream
out a kid, then have to apologize. I limit myself
to one apology a season! If I need more than one, I
have character flaws that I need to search out and
either fix or hide.
Don’t tell your players they have no heart, no
spirit and no desire. Ever. I can’t think of a
time when it’s a good idea to ever attack your
players’ character with such statements. “But I’m
trying to motivate them.” Talk about thin ice!
Telling your players they suck has about a 25%
chance of making them play better; two percent
chance if you’re coaching females. And then when
they don’t play better, what do you do next?
You’ve used the ultimate insult. Now what?
Back to my friend. She said, “Haven’t you said
something that you have regretted?”
I said, “Yep, and I still remember them.” I
remember what I said to Greta in 1993, Mary in
1996 and another Mary back in 1990. I remember
each like they were yesterday. And within a hour,
I had apologized to all three. Not because I
thought the girls were going to run to their
parents or to the athletic director. I apologized
because what I said was personally injurious, I
truly was sorry and I honestly was fond of these
players. And, furthermore, what I said was 100%
wrong. I’m still in touch with Greta and Mary96.
In fact, Mary was 29 yesterday, and I sent her an
internet card. Neither lady has ever mentioned the
incidents to me. But I’m sure they remember it.
I’m sorry.
Every time I work with a new assistant coach, one
of the most important things I tell them is,
“Don’t say anything you regret.” It’s especially
true when the team is getting beat, or the team is
having a horrible tournament. “Don’t say anything
to a player that you wouldn’t want said to you.
Don’t say anything to a player that you wouldn’t
want said to your daughter. And if you do, and if
you’re sorry you said it, then apologize quickly.
And then apologize because you mean it. Since
you’re younger than me, I’ll allow you two
apologies a season.”
Reasonable Expectations:
We could make an entire chapter on this one.
If your player is an 8th grader, she won’t play
like she’s 17 years old. If your player is even 17
years old, she will still be nervous at times, and
make some bonehead plays.
How you deal with your players’ errors is a
reflection on your character. When I was dating my
wife, I encouraged her to come to some of my
team’s toughest games. “If you can tolerate my
behavior when we’re playing Central, then we have
a chance! That’s probably as bad as you’ll ever
see me behave.” She married me anyway!
Sure, you can create drills that prepare your team
to play under pressure. You can devise drills that
would make test the toughest mentality. But your
players will still make mistakes. How will you
handle it?
You can nearly prevent all of your team’s mistakes
by telling your players, “Lollipop every serve,
pass ever ball to the 10’ line and tip every
attack.” But you’ll only beat the horrible teams.
So, you will choose to teach your kids to be
aggressive. Get ready. Your players will make
mistakes; and, they’ll make more mistakes in
pressure situations. Deal with it. Accept it.
“Isn’t there anything else I can do?” Sure. You
can try your best to prepare your team before the
matches -- and coach your team during the matches
-- so that your players consistently will make
fewer bonehead plays than the opponents. And you
will have accomplished a great coaching feat!
But to ream out your future-stud 8th grader is
shortsighted and foolish. When you embarrass your
players in public, you give them reason to not try
out next year.
The Impression You Leave With Your Players:
One of my STAR staff members told me last summer,
“My most vivid memory of high school volleyball
was when I was a senior and we were losing at
Sectionals. My coach was always pretty mean, but I
learned to ignore her most of the time. But that
day, she hollered at me that I had no pride and I
wasn’t trying. Yeah, I was having a bad day, but I
played 5 years on the team and 5 years of juniors.
I thought I was giving it all I had.”
One of those 5 years of club ball was on my team!
“I’d never cried over what a coach said until that
day, my final high school volleyball match. She
took me out half way in the 2nd game because she
said I wasn’t playing hard enough. I went to the
end of the bench and cried. ‘Cindy’ (another
member of my camp staff, and another of my former
club players who was two years younger than her)
came down to try to talk to me. Coach didn’t put
me back in until the score was 10-21 in the 3rd
game. Yeah we got beat 3 straight. Coach never
apologized. We rode home on the bus and she never
talked to me about it. At the end-of-the-year
banquet, she gave me the MVP award. She asked me
if I had any comments for everyone. I didn’t say a
word, just shook my head. I’ve never forgiven her
for what she did. I don’t think I ever will.”
Readers, this is the 2nd time this woman, now 22
years old and a senior at an Ivy League college,
has told me this story. I guess she didn’t
remember telling me the 1st time. She’s a bright
young lady. Wonder why she didn’t remember?
Final story about a coach making an impression: I
don’t know what was wrong with my ankles when I
was in school. Yeah, I sprained them because I
played basketball 24/7. But they always healed and
are fine even at 49 years old. I tried several
times to run track, but I never could make it more
than a weak or two because of the ankle pain. When
I was in the 9th grade, I went into the locker
room to tell Mr. Woods that I would have to give
up running track. Rather than asking how he could
help me, or offering me a week off, he showed his
character by answering, “You mean you’re not man
enough?” Even though he was also my P.E. teacher
that year, those words are the only ones that I
can remember him saying to me. I’ve forgotten
every other sentence.
Yes, this has been another article on the behavior
of coaches. And it probably won’t be the last one.
Do you really want to leave a horrible, indelible
impression on your players? Impressions that will
last decades? Go ahead. Let the foulest part of
your character show through. Spout off to players
who cannot defend themselves. Attack the character
of someone you say you’re fond of. Bully the kids
who are 20 years younger than you.
You will reap what you sew. But if you can’t
control it, don’t worry too much. Your coaching
career will be over soon.
-Tom Houser
Head Coach, 2007 and 2008 Roanoke Juniors 15’s Open
Director, STAR Volleyball Camps
Author, “I Can’t Wait” Drill Collection and Ebooks
www.coachhouser.com
-By Tom Houser
A Question for Coach Houser:
I’m 43 years old, the assistant varsity coach, our
season ended over a month ago, and I’m still
seething. Our team just went 23-4 (best ever!),
beat the reigning state champs three times and
advanced to the state tournament (1st time ever!).
We have great kids, almost all of them play
travel, and they give us their heart and soul.
However, the head coach is never pleased or proud.
Well, we were eliminated in the first round of
states and, sure, we were all disappointed. But
the head coach spent 15 minutes yelling,
criticizing and even mimicking the girls, telling
them they are too soft and didn't want to win.
I'm so sick of this person I could scream! But I
stick with it because I love this school and the
kids are awesome!! One of our MH’s is only an 8th
grader and has been our go-to player all year;
yet, because she made a lot of mistakes in that
critical match, Coach reamed her out in front of
her teammates. The coach left the gym through a
back door that night; yet the girls walked out of
the locker room into the gym and cried on their
parents’ shoulders. The icing? She didn’t attend
school the next day. The parents are so upset,
some of them boycotted last week’s banquet. We
have a tremendous opportunity here to achieve the
incredible, but the coach is messing it up. What’s
up with this person?
Coach Houser's Reply:
A few years ago, a sports announcer said, “This
team’s character will be tested tonight as they
try to win their 9th straight game.” He was 100%
backwards. Our character is not tested when things
are going well. It’s tested when we experience a
trying situation. In the 2000 season, my high
school team -- which had never lost more than 5
matches in any season since 1985 -- started 0-9.
That was trying. In 2001, my inner-city JV team
nearly mutinied on me. That was trying. Losing in the
first round of the state tournament, when you’re
team is giving you all they have is also a trying
situation. However, none of these situations are
enough for us -- who think of ourselves as
composed, caring coaches -- to lose our composure
and say/do things we regret.
People will not judge us as much by the humility
we show after a win, but more by the maturity we
show during/after a tough loss.
The Kids:
How many of us coaches have ever won a match
without our players? Right. Then why do some of us
treat our meal ticket like crap? I’ve won nearly
300 high school matches (I’d be at 400 if I hadn’t
given up coaching when I got married.) I owe my
kids. They don’t owe me. I worked them hard, I
expected great things from them, they conditioned,
they ran, they got bruises. All the while, I gave
them directions on what to do next.
Coaches, “Your actions speak louder than your
words.” Do you like your players? Are you fond of
them? Then treat them in ways that reflect those
feelings. However, if you tell them you like them,
but then scream at them (like the email above),
then your players will realize that your affection
for them is ephemeral. They will realize that when
they disappoint you, that you will go off on them.
Then they won’t believe you, because you’ve
already shown them you can’t be trusted.
Don’t get me wrong. There are times when I am
stern. But it’s to help the kid, it’s to help the
team, it’s to motivate us all or to get someone’s
attention. I hope it’s not because I have no
self-control.
If You Can’t Say It To The Parents…………
Sure, there are some things you don’t want the
parents to hear. However, your players will tell
the parents 99% of the crazy stuff. Guaranteed. My
stepdaughter is a sophomore on a college team, and
she only tells us the stuff that makes me think,
“What the heck is going on?”
The parents are part of the team also. I know they
don’t have a lot of day-to-day power; however,
they will decide if their children play tomorrow,
if their children play next year, if their
children play club, if their children attend
summer camps, etc. Go ahead. Abuse the children.
One day, when your team stops winning (which is
probably the only way the coach in the email is
keeping her job!), the parents treat you like you
deserve and will forbid their children from
playing volleyball. Then who will you blame? Who
will you holler at?
The Day After:
The coach didn’t come to school? Are you kidding
me? Regardless of how upset, tired, sick,
sleep-deprived I am, I have ALWAYS come to school
(and always will!) the day after a big loss. I’ve
coached when I had laryngitis. If my team lost,
I’m in school the next day. My kids will see me
there, I won't be hiding, sulking or bitter. I'm
not ashamed of my team, I'm not whupped by the
season or by the opponents, and I'm not
embarrassed to talk about it. Some people who are
jealous may tease me: “So you guys won’t be
conference champs this year, huh?” I’ve also heard
kids say, “Guess the basketball players will be
starting their season on time this year!”
Whatever. People can say what they wish; but, I'm
a part of the team, and it's all of us together.
I won't ask my players to go to school to do
their "job," but then not do mine. That would be
wrong! Be a leader, set an example. Your kids
can’t run the football without an offensive line.
In volleyball, that offensive line is YOU and your
staff!!!
Regretting What We Say:
One of my friends was talking to me in the past
week about her splintered family and how she
wished they could get together during the
Christmas holidays.
I told her that when I used to try to squeeze
gossip from my parents, they would tell me, “There
are two things you don’t disrupt: Your church and
your family.” So I told my friend to keep
encouraging, keep the lines of communication open,
keep inviting. “You can’t make adults be who you
want them to be. But you can always invite them to
be!”
I will add one more rule to what my parents taught
me: “Don’t ever disrupt your team.” So, coaches,
don’t say things that you will regret. Don’t ream
out a kid, then have to apologize. I limit myself
to one apology a season! If I need more than one, I
have character flaws that I need to search out and
either fix or hide.
Don’t tell your players they have no heart, no
spirit and no desire. Ever. I can’t think of a
time when it’s a good idea to ever attack your
players’ character with such statements. “But I’m
trying to motivate them.” Talk about thin ice!
Telling your players they suck has about a 25%
chance of making them play better; two percent
chance if you’re coaching females. And then when
they don’t play better, what do you do next?
You’ve used the ultimate insult. Now what?
Back to my friend. She said, “Haven’t you said
something that you have regretted?”
I said, “Yep, and I still remember them.” I
remember what I said to Greta in 1993, Mary in
1996 and another Mary back in 1990. I remember
each like they were yesterday. And within a hour,
I had apologized to all three. Not because I
thought the girls were going to run to their
parents or to the athletic director. I apologized
because what I said was personally injurious, I
truly was sorry and I honestly was fond of these
players. And, furthermore, what I said was 100%
wrong. I’m still in touch with Greta and Mary96.
In fact, Mary was 29 yesterday, and I sent her an
internet card. Neither lady has ever mentioned the
incidents to me. But I’m sure they remember it.
I’m sorry.
Every time I work with a new assistant coach, one
of the most important things I tell them is,
“Don’t say anything you regret.” It’s especially
true when the team is getting beat, or the team is
having a horrible tournament. “Don’t say anything
to a player that you wouldn’t want said to you.
Don’t say anything to a player that you wouldn’t
want said to your daughter. And if you do, and if
you’re sorry you said it, then apologize quickly.
And then apologize because you mean it. Since
you’re younger than me, I’ll allow you two
apologies a season.”
Reasonable Expectations:
We could make an entire chapter on this one.
If your player is an 8th grader, she won’t play
like she’s 17 years old. If your player is even 17
years old, she will still be nervous at times, and
make some bonehead plays.
How you deal with your players’ errors is a
reflection on your character. When I was dating my
wife, I encouraged her to come to some of my
team’s toughest games. “If you can tolerate my
behavior when we’re playing Central, then we have
a chance! That’s probably as bad as you’ll ever
see me behave.” She married me anyway!
Sure, you can create drills that prepare your team
to play under pressure. You can devise drills that
would make test the toughest mentality. But your
players will still make mistakes. How will you
handle it?
You can nearly prevent all of your team’s mistakes
by telling your players, “Lollipop every serve,
pass ever ball to the 10’ line and tip every
attack.” But you’ll only beat the horrible teams.
So, you will choose to teach your kids to be
aggressive. Get ready. Your players will make
mistakes; and, they’ll make more mistakes in
pressure situations. Deal with it. Accept it.
“Isn’t there anything else I can do?” Sure. You
can try your best to prepare your team before the
matches -- and coach your team during the matches
-- so that your players consistently will make
fewer bonehead plays than the opponents. And you
will have accomplished a great coaching feat!
But to ream out your future-stud 8th grader is
shortsighted and foolish. When you embarrass your
players in public, you give them reason to not try
out next year.
The Impression You Leave With Your Players:
One of my STAR staff members told me last summer,
“My most vivid memory of high school volleyball
was when I was a senior and we were losing at
Sectionals. My coach was always pretty mean, but I
learned to ignore her most of the time. But that
day, she hollered at me that I had no pride and I
wasn’t trying. Yeah, I was having a bad day, but I
played 5 years on the team and 5 years of juniors.
I thought I was giving it all I had.”
One of those 5 years of club ball was on my team!
“I’d never cried over what a coach said until that
day, my final high school volleyball match. She
took me out half way in the 2nd game because she
said I wasn’t playing hard enough. I went to the
end of the bench and cried. ‘Cindy’ (another
member of my camp staff, and another of my former
club players who was two years younger than her)
came down to try to talk to me. Coach didn’t put
me back in until the score was 10-21 in the 3rd
game. Yeah we got beat 3 straight. Coach never
apologized. We rode home on the bus and she never
talked to me about it. At the end-of-the-year
banquet, she gave me the MVP award. She asked me
if I had any comments for everyone. I didn’t say a
word, just shook my head. I’ve never forgiven her
for what she did. I don’t think I ever will.”
Readers, this is the 2nd time this woman, now 22
years old and a senior at an Ivy League college,
has told me this story. I guess she didn’t
remember telling me the 1st time. She’s a bright
young lady. Wonder why she didn’t remember?
Final story about a coach making an impression: I
don’t know what was wrong with my ankles when I
was in school. Yeah, I sprained them because I
played basketball 24/7. But they always healed and
are fine even at 49 years old. I tried several
times to run track, but I never could make it more
than a weak or two because of the ankle pain. When
I was in the 9th grade, I went into the locker
room to tell Mr. Woods that I would have to give
up running track. Rather than asking how he could
help me, or offering me a week off, he showed his
character by answering, “You mean you’re not man
enough?” Even though he was also my P.E. teacher
that year, those words are the only ones that I
can remember him saying to me. I’ve forgotten
every other sentence.
Yes, this has been another article on the behavior
of coaches. And it probably won’t be the last one.
Do you really want to leave a horrible, indelible
impression on your players? Impressions that will
last decades? Go ahead. Let the foulest part of
your character show through. Spout off to players
who cannot defend themselves. Attack the character
of someone you say you’re fond of. Bully the kids
who are 20 years younger than you.
You will reap what you sew. But if you can’t
control it, don’t worry too much. Your coaching
career will be over soon.
-Tom Houser
Head Coach, 2007 and 2008 Roanoke Juniors 15’s Open
Director, STAR Volleyball Camps
Author, “I Can’t Wait” Drill Collection and Ebooks
www.coachhouser.com