One of the perks of being a legal humorist is that the job (if you can call it that) isn't exactly time-consuming. My typical "work day" is just one hour long. As a result, I spend an inordinate amount of time sitting around in hotel rooms trying to find decent programming on television and figure out ways to expense my room charges to the organizer's master account. As you can imagine, I am usually unsuccessful on both counts. However, my greatest failure occurred last month when I flipped to Spike TV just in time to catch its first broadcast of Major League Eating, the newly created competitive eating league.

And yes, you read that correctly. We have now made a destructive personal habit—overeating—into a sporting activity. In a sense, we have said, "If you're going to kill yourself, you might as well do it for our entertainment."

Even worse, I suspect that these "athletes" will eventually become superstars in our sports-crazed society. Before long, our children will hang posters of their favorite gluttons on their bedroom walls; assuming, of course, that their bedrooms are the size of the Sistine Chapel. I can even imagine kids forcing their parents to pay $200-300 to buy the sneakers worn by their favorite eaters. "Dad, you just have to buy me the new Ground Gordons! Everyone is wearing them!"

And if this league takes off, it won't be long before our colleges and universities start forming competitive eating teams to cash in on the television revenue. I can just imagine college scouts hanging around bakeries and fast food establishments recruiting fat high school students to come to their schools on full eating scholarships. "Hey, come on, kid! You're going to be eating like a pig anyway. You might as well stuff your face for the Fighting Irish."

On the other hand, perhaps this new league will alleviate some of the discrimination suffered by overweight people in our society. If so, the larger question is why stop at just overeating? Following this reasoning, we certainly should do something to help our beleaguered profession. Our fellow Americans claim that lawyers are unduly argumentative and querulous. However, they might take a different view towards us if our adversarial nature was celebrated in competitive arguing competitions. I can see it now:

Keith Jackson: "Good evening, folks and welcome to this exciting installment of Major League Argument. I'm Keith Jackson and I'm joined today by Alan Dershowitz, esteemed professor at the Harvard Law School. I'm really excited about today's match because it features not one, but two, lawyers; husband and wife combatants – Mark and Judy Williams. He's a personal injury lawyer and she's a criminal defense lawyer. This should be a real barn burner! We're going to take you right down to their bedroom for oral arguments."

Mills Lane: "I've explained the rules to both of you in your separate bedrooms. I want this to be a clean fight. At the bell, exchange scowls and come out arguing. Let's get it on!"

Judy: "Baby, I think we need to work this out."

Mark: "I don't want to talk about it."

Jackson (whispering): "It appears that Mark is attempting the rope-a-dope; laying low until the opportunity presents itself to counter."

Judy: "You never want to talk about us. If it's not another stupid drug class action or slip-and-fall case, you could care less."

Mark: "Well, those 'stupid' cases bought your Jag in the garage, Sweet Cheeks."

Jackson: "Whoa Nelly! Mark comes out swinging with a thinly-veiled reference to his superior earning power and adds a little dig with a demeaning gender reference. The gloves are off!"

Judy: "It's a good thing that something around here can still get its motor racing."

Dershowitz: "Ouch! I can feel that from here! Let's see how Mark responds to that vicious ad hominem low blow."

Mark: "Well, perhaps my motor would get running if your 'bumper' wasn't bigger than the Jag's."

Jackson: "Uh oh! I think Mark went too far on that one. The look in Judy's eyes tells me that he shouldn't have gone there. He's left himself wide open for …"

Judy: "If I were you, I wouldn't even talk about the size of someone's equipment."

Dershowitz: "Ouch! Mark made a classic mistake – throwing stones in a glass house. Let's see if he can come back and get the argument on track."

Mark: "That's not the point! The point is that you want me to be in two places at one time. You want me to work my tail off to get you nice things and you want me home each night when you get off work. You can't have it both ways, Judy!"

Judy: "I don't want it both ways. I have a career too, remember? I just want you to pay attention to me when you are here instead of being a thousand miles away thinking about God knows what."

Mark: "Huh? I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening."

Judy: "That's my point!"

Jackson (whispering): "Poor Mark really stepped in it on that one."

Dershowitz (whispering): "Here's where Judy should go for the submission. Get Mark to admit that he's inattentive. This could be over soon, folks!"

Judy: "You're just too distant, Mark. You come home at all hours after supposedly working late at the office. Are you having an affair with someone at the firm?"

[Silence]

Lane: "One … two … three …"

Jackson: "The referee has begun the count out. Mark is going to have to do something dramatic to turn this around."

Lane: " … six … seven …"

Mark: "Judy, how could you ask such a thing?"

Jackson: "Mark is up, but he's still wobbly. It's now or never!"

Mark: "I've told you a thousand times. I am NOT having an affair! For one, there are no women in my firm. Second, even if there are women in my firm, they are ugly. And finally, even if I happen to be sleeping with two of them, it's just sex with them. I'm in love with you!"

Dershowitz: "Incredible! Folks, you have just witnessed arguing in the alternative. It's a classic last ditch effort used by lawyers against judges all of the time."

Jackson: "Whoa Nelly! Judy has just hit Mark over the head with a lamp. Mills Lane has stepped in and disqualified Judy for using a foreign object. The doctor is now trying to revive Mark with smelling salts."

Dershowitz: "That's the only drawback to arguing in the alternative, Keith. Wives aren't as gullible as judges."

Jackson: "Well, they certainly seem to hit harder. In any event, we're out of time, but join us next week when a tax lawyer tries to convince a woman to date him. On behalf of everyone here at Major League Arguing, this is Keith Jackson signing off."

On second thought, perhaps we should leave well enough alone. People may hate us now, but they don't always know why. We might want to keep them guessing.